The Journal of Kyanan Thundertoker

Redactor's Note: What follows is a transcript of everything that has been recovered from the journal of Kyanan Redigatari the Thundertoker. As is well-documented (unlike his claim to have smoked flayleaf with Odin), he was often intoxicated and thus we have had to take liberties in transcribing some of the harder-to-read portions.

[Dates Unknown]
Mother is dead. My father gored her with his horn. Who'd have thought that a black unicorn with fire-red eyes would turn out to be evil? Eachthighern, help me, I engaged my father in a fight, resisting his attempts to have me flee with him. My brother watched on in horror. By the grace of some god, I managed to break my father's horn. The resulting explosion teleported me into the wilderness, far from my home.

I am alone now.

***

The Bard is a strange man. Creature. Thing. He is the first person I've told of my true parentage. Well, that's inaccurate. I tell people my father was a unicorn all the time. They just think I'm being sarcastic, which is not a great logical leap.Leastways, he's been helping me learn the mandolin and teaching me a bit of magic. We also discussed philosophy. A lot of it goes over my head, but I can get behind this "radical freedom" thing he keeps going on about.

***

I saved the girl. I figured out that radical freedom isn't just about me. I have a responsibility to myself first, but that doesn't mean I get to be cruel or cowardly. Healing her came at the expense of my life, or so I thought. I awoke in a place of unimaginable light. It surrounded me. Penetrated me. It was more primordial and powerful than any of the thrice-damned gods. And I heard the Bard's voice like a silken sheet being draped over my soul. "Ypu have passed your trial, Kyanan, but your days of being tested are far from over. Be filled with the Undying Light, that you may bring it with you to the darkest corners of the world."

I woke back up on the Material Plane, feeling stronger than I ever had. My healing magic, which I had been adept at, presumably from my unicorn heritage, was far more potent than before, and I found that spells of light and fire came easier to me. I also learned how to use eldritch blast, which I find quite pleasing. With mandolin in one hand and my father's horn in the other, I made my way back into the world.

I'm Not Sure What Day It Is
I woke up on a cloud today. My old friend Zarielle was there. Not sure how we got there. I greeted her and reminisced about the time we burned down a temple of Bahamut... before realizing a surly gold dragonborn was within earshot. IT turns out that people don't enjoy hearing that you desecrated their god's house. His name was very long and pompous [Clavicus Brightfire], so I called him Scales. We... aren't getting along.

I found a golden coin with writing on it in Draconic. A simple spell revealed it to say, "Hope has become despair." Not very encouraging. There was a tower in the distance with what we agreed might be a portal. We cloud-hopped over to the tower's base and got attacked by a swarm of luminescent birds. An aaracokra showed up and helped us take care of them. He doesn't speak Common very well, but he makes a lot of cool noises and does some incredible acrobatics in the air. I think his name is Om, but I've just been calling him Bird Buddy.

We climbed the tower and got attacked by the statues that had been at the entrance. I told them this would happen. BB smashed through a wall (he had been flying outside) and trashed the statues. At the top of the tower, we fought a manticore. Scales and Zarielle tore him a few new ones, but BB wrecked shit! Knocked him right off the tower. We got the portal open and ventured inside. Scales and BB just ran in headfirst. Zarielle and I took one of the sleds nearby that seemed suited for the purpose of using the portal.

We landed in water and drifted until I heard a lute in the distance. I pulled out my mandolin and harmonized with the music until we arrived at an island where a man sat beneath a tree, strumming. He was overtly chummy and clearly deranged from having nothing but star-shaped fruit to keep him company. Still, this Roland enjoyed my music and after a bowl of flayleaf, he was more than willing to share the fruit.

We took Roland and some fruit and began rowing our sled to what we assumed to be west (if "west" is even a concept in the Elemental Plane of fucking Water). We came upon an island with a bunch of bullywugs carrying on as they do. I was pleasantly surprised when Scales agreed to destroy them all. It turned out they were assaulting some prat merman, and after two minutes with him, I began to question our choice in murder victims. The idiotcalled his king to the surface. The king was noticeablly exasperated with the idiot and dragged him back to prison. The king then told us of a possible portal to the Material Plane in an underwater temple to Bahamut (What the fuck is with all of the Platinum Dragon lovers in the Inner Planes?). The king gave us some magic seaweed that would let us breathe underwater and sent us on our way.

We made it to the temple, though a massive tentacle almost killed me as I enetered. I then spent a deal of time tryingf to explain to BB what a tentacle was. After he pointed to his crotch and made a question mark with his elongated neck, I began to think BB actually stood for "Bird Brain." But damned if I didn't still like him. Especially when he mimics the sound of my ''eldritch blast. ''

At this point, I began discussing the possibility of killing Roland (temporarily) with Zarielle, to get him out of our hair for a bit. We could put his remains in her sack and rez him once we got back to the Material Plane. Assuming we could find a priest willing to work ''pro bono. ''She was all for it, not surprisingly. Scales took umbrage at the idea, though, the goody-goody. I was starting to get sick of these motherfucking Bahamut-lovers on those motherfucking planes.

We made it through the temple with little hassle. Scales managed to sneak past some chuul and sea hags and activate the portal, through which we all ran. When the portal's light faded, we arrived at a fresh battlefield, with the bodies of humans and orcs strewn about the place.

Another Day, Maybe?
We found a guy dying on the battlefield. Not much help. Also found anbother Bird-man and a human cleric. The Big Guy of the human army thought I was a pet and insulted my BB. He brought out some old geezer. They want us to kill a gorgon (some sort of metal bull) and bring its head to prove our worth. Scales is taking point. Zarielle and I have had bad dreams about burning things and a dragon.

We found the entrance to a cave. I sent some dancing lights ahead, revealing some skeletons. We kicked their asses. Then we saw some orcs. I tried to go up to the largest orc and suggest he allow us safe passage, perhaps with some mark that would indicate our feigned allegiance. But the asshole cleric brought up a silence spell around me and the idiot dragonborn shot the shit out of him! I'm calling the idiot cleric the Silent Fool henceforth. We defeated the orcs, freed the humans, and started back to camp., but we came upon a clearing where the gorgon lay in wait. Zarielle speard the gorgon in half and we took its head. We also got some mushrooms.

We returned to the war room and I got called a pet again. They're sending us to some cellar where there is a portal that might get us to the Material Plane. I wrote The Alligator Who Went to War, today. Scales inspired it. It's a start. I'll probably never finish it.

So, as it turns out, the human general raped the orc-chief's daughter. Scales murdered three people. We convinced two orcs to take us to the portal room. They got killed by traps, so we used their corpses to keep away from any further traps. We also threw them first through the portal. We wound up in the Plane of Earth. We saw a seemingly friendly robed guy fighting a landshark. He wasn't actually friendly. He was a dragon lich that knew fuckign plane shift! He summoned a hydra and left us where we stood. I blasted a head off and two more grew in its place. Scales did not adequately explain the dangers of a hydra. BB also took one of. It then had seven heads. I got the brilliant idea to keep cutting off heads until it had too many to stand anymore. We exited an illusion and met Roland's brother. Real charmer. I found a wand and drained its power into my father's horn.

We went to a museum to find a map or a medallion, I don't know. We got out and used the amulet to plane shift. And we arrived in Ysgard. So, when the party pissed me off, I committed suicide. I was rezzed in the throne room of Odin. He said we had been thrown a thousand years into the future. I toked some godly flayleaf from Odin's bong. I was literally mind-blowing. I rezzed again a little while later.

Season of Harvest, 74
I woke up high from yesterday. Got higher. Running low on flayleaf. Scales seems grim as usual. BB is inscrutable as ever. Zarielle as delightfully violent. Gaaz, I don't have a read on yet. And I don't like the Silent Fool. Threw Scales a bone today. We're going to find Erin the Spy. Asked two magic scientists if they'd heard anything about my father. The blew up and told me to leave. I went to wait outside. We heard about some Sand Anarchists. They sound fucking badass. Sand runners. They are fighting necromancers. We're still going to find Erin. We went to the ghettos. There was a band playing for some homeless. I gave them some gold, but I made sure no one saw me. Scales whistled to get the town square's attention. Dumbass. Everyone's looking at him like he's crazy. We split up to search for information. We would meet up at the Bloated Goat in two days. I was sent to talk with bards and play music and get drunk. So, yeah!

Season of Harvest, 75
Going from tavern to tavern. Binging. Raalin. Super queer party boy. I seduced him. Erin got kicked out of town. Nearest town southeast to Sandstone Village.

Season of Harvest, 76
Zarielle and the Aaracokrans. New band name. It's going to be awesome. I went to the Bloated Goat. We had two weeks walking ahead of us. One week on caravan. Scales got a sail for our sandsail that looke dlike a giant flag. The flaggot.

Season of Harvest, 77
We departed on a sand boat, powered by Scales' hot air and some birds. [Indecipherable] face carved in a wall with a crack down the middle. We solved a riddle so easy, even Scales got it right. Inside, there is a pedastal with a triangle on it. Scales couldn't grab it. So, I had to go in and grab it myself after reopening the demon door. It said, "More relics remain." Sounds like a McGuffin from a bad ballad to me.

Season of Harvest, 82
Scales tried to run after a pickpocket. Idiot. I told him he can't save everyone. He didn't apprehend him. [Indecipherable] when we found him. He's an alcoholic. We got him. Scales is appealing to him through shame and invoking his father. We passed the Bloated Goat 2: Electric Boogaloo. [Indecipherable]. We made a teleportation circle. I thought it was a plane shift but it fucking wasn't. It went to a wood elf village. I wanted to try some people. They said, "But you're a vegan." I said, "Hey, they died of natural causes."But I was corrected. I spit it out. It was good though.

Season of Harvest, 83
I ate that white mushroom. To go into the woods. I feel pretty fucking good. Eventually, we ran into a couatl. I asked it if it was my mommy. We needed to help what looked like a corrupted owl aaracokran. We broke the amulet cursing him and he turned back into a man, a friend of the couatl.

Season of Harvest, 84
I heard a dirlagraun in the distance on night watch. BB flew off after it.

Season of Harvest, 90
We found the village. BB tried to trade a gem for fruit. Grunt elf guard came in. He knowns Ten-Man and Scales. Scales called Zarielle and I friends. How far we've come. I found a bard. He hadn't heard anything about my father.

Frostfall, 2
[To be continued]